Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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