i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
