She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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