Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
