My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
