Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
