Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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