the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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