i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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