I like to think it a success when the cops are called
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
