Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Your dad touched me again.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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