if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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