apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
