i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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