If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
