Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
