I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
