I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
