mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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