I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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