Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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