I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
