I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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