Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
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