We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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