I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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