Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
