I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
