I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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