Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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