I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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