guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
