mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
