just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
