what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
