I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
