Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The uberlube is also flammable
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
