Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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