i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
