Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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