So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
