I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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