Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize