I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
