I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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