I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize