I met the friendliest cop last night
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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