Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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