oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
