I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
