dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
