i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
