So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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