I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
