Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
