I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
