Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
