I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
