you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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