I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
