he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
