JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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