Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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