My Higher Power is John Stamos
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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