Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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