A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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