I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
