he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
